


Valjean's Baby

by forsakethevoid



Category: Christian Bible (New Testament), Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: But is it adultery if it's with God?, But not explicit, Crack, Does God even have a gender?, I'm Going To Hell For This, I'm not even religious, I'm so sorry, In other words this is rather offensive, Inspired by Book of Mormon?, M/M, Why is this my first fanfiction?, adultery?, and my terrible sense of humour, definitely crack, i'm sorry god, m-preg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2018-12-05 01:23:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11567388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forsakethevoid/pseuds/forsakethevoid
Summary: Valjean is visited by God, who wants him to give birth to the next Messiah."a truly holy and uplifting read"- The_angel_that_fell





	Valjean's Baby

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so, so sorry. If you're religious, maybe think twice before reading this. If you aren't, still think twice before reading this. I just simply had to write it just because... you know... how can the Virgin Mary give birth to a child if she hadn't had intercourse with God? And so this weird fic was born. I regret my decision, and I know I'll regret the fact this is my first fic, but, oh well, what the hell... Read at your own risk... Criticism is welcome, constructive or not. I'll try to reply and apologize. I was just awfully tired and had to write something weird.

“Javert,” Valjean begins as he sat down in the only chair in Javert’s room.  
Javert looks up slightly in acknowledgement from his seat on the bed before returning to the news.  
“Javert, I’ve been thinking,” Valjean begins again, “It’s been so long since we’ve began this… relationship.”  
Javert’s head snaps up and a faint blush appears beneath his whiskers.  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  
“I’ve been under the impression that we’ve been together ever since I found you at the Seine that night. It was incredibly romantic,” Valjean says dreamily. “We strolled under the stars.”  
“I was going to commit suicide.”  
“I’m glad you didn’t,” Valjean smiles gently. “The world is large enough for the both of us, Javert.”  
“Not if I arrest you it isn’t.”  
“You didn’t, though.”  
“That’s true,” Javert admits grudgingly, always a believer of straight facts.  
“So I’ve been under the impression that we’ve been together.”  
“I guess we have.”  
There is an awkward pause, and Valjean watches the candlelight cast shadows across Javert’s face.  
“Javert? Will you marry me?” He blurts out.  
“I can’t,” Javert says, matter of fact. “It’s against the law.”  
“The law doesn’t need to know.”  
“I am the law,” Javert points out. “I’ll arrest you at the altar.”  
“Ah,” Valjean says, disappointed. “Well. I suppose that’s the end of that.”  
“It is.”  
Awkward silence reigned yet again, and Javert fiddled with the newspaper.  
“I’m glad I didn’t arrest you,” Javert interrupts the silence suddenly. His face slowly flushes a blotchy red as he stutters nervously. “I – just wanted to tell you that I … I… l- love you. And we don’t need marriage for that.”  
“I love you too, Javert,” Valjean beams. “I’m glad you didn’t arrest me, too.”

That night, as Javert and Valjean lies peacefully in their shared bed together (to save on rent, Javert had proposed, blushing), an apparition appears to Valjean in his sleep.  
“Valjean,” the apparition says, “I’m God, and I’m here to propose an affair to produce the next Messiah.”  
“You… what?”  
“I’ve always thought the Bible would have to be a trilogy. You know, everything religious and Christian should come in threes and all that. And the Bible is very Christian indeed, so I really need a new Messiah to write Book Three of the Bible Trilogy, The Return of the Messiah.”  
“That sounds wonderful,” Valjean says carefully, “But what does this have to do with me?”  
“See, as a virtuous, recently engaged virgin, congratulations, you’ve been chosen to be the next Holy Virgin. Isn’t it exciting?”  
“Isn’t it adultery?” Valjean retorts.  
“Not if it’s with God, it’s not.”  
“That makes perfect sense,” Valjean assents, nodding.  
Thus, Valjean finds himself sprawled on the ground with the Holy Baguette assaulting his prostrate.  
“Oh Christ!” He gasps.  
God winces.  
“I would prefer if you didn’t bring my son into this.”  
“Ah… I’m sorry,” Valjean apologizes, and swiftly forgets what exactly he had been apologizing for as his mind clouds with pleasure.  
And so they had hot steamy sex that was abruptly ended when they had to make room for Jesus.  
“Dad!” Jesus sighs. “Nobody wants to see their parents having sex.”  
And, at that, Valjean jolts awake.

“Javert, I must tell you,” Valjean says to Javert the next morning before Javert heads out to work. “I’m pregnant.”  
“I must be overworking myself,” Javert says dazedly. “I’m hallucinating.”  
“You are overworking yourself,” Valjean says automatically, before correcting himself. “No… you see, the holy ghost came unto me and found me with child.”  
“Valjean,” Javert says with a strange look in his eyes, “You should have a drink of water. You mustn’t be feeling well.”  
“You must hear me out. I’m going to give birth to the next Messiah.”  
“Delusions of grandeur,” Javert diagnoses, but even he couldn’t deny the truth when Valjean gives birth a year later to a little girl with wide, innocent eyes and mousy brown hair.  
“I’m going to name her Jesus 2.0,” Valjean says dreamily as he cradles the child in his arms.  
“No,” Javert gasps, “Don’t you dare.”  
“How about Euphrasie or Ursula? They’re such lovely names…”  
“Valjean, the poor thing shouldn’t have to live with such a name.”  
Hence, the girl went for months without a name before Javert, imaginative as he is, began to call her “That Thing.”  
The name stuck, the Thing wrote a wonderful, inspiring book on equality and morality, dubbing it “God Returns, Again,” and conservative Christians became adamant members of the Womens Rights and LGBT movements.  
It was all going splendidly well until a wild Marius suddenly appeared…


End file.
